Don't Man-Handle a Laptop: Please Be Gentle Try to guess which piece of hardware is most often replaced on laptop computers. LCD Monitor? Cold. Keyboard? Getting warmer. Mouse pad? Getting hot. Actually the most frequently replaced piece of hardware on laptop computers is the handrest. The piece that surrounds the mouse pad, just below the keyboard. It's where, you guessed it, you rest your hands.

You can tell when the IT budget is managed by the company and when individual units pay for service levels. When it's a service level system in which each unit has its own budget, people are more careful or else they get their bosses giving them crap for spilling coffee on the laptop for the third time in a year.

What is worrisome is the amount of abuse people can dish out to laptops. Let's get real here folks; these puppies are not made of titanium. They are plastic. And yet they are still very expensive. Here's a list of DON'Ts for handling your laptop. And this is important since 98% of users store all their work on the local hard-drive and never back them up on the network shares, of which back-ups are made every single day.

DON'T:

• ...keep your coffee-mug warmer near the laptop; you're just asking for trouble. I once replaced a client's laptop three times because on all three occasions he spilled his coffee cup (on the warmer) into the keyboard. Laptop go bye-bye in a blaze of sparks.
• ...use the laptop as a leaning point when pushing the chair away from the desk or getting up. You will end up crushing the handrest and whatever hardware is under it. Most often what happens is the mouse becomes damaged and is soon followed by the keyboard.
• ...carry the laptop around like it's this morning's paper. It's an electronic device, not a book, not a package. Carrying it by the corner (handrest) with the LCD flipped open is just asking for a swift kick in the ass.
• ...use the laptop as a carry-all. I'm serious. I see you freaks all the time loading the keyboard with paperwork, peripherals and pens and then shutting the lid (LCD Monitor) on top of it and carrying it to your precious meeting. This will likely damage the keyboard and most probably will scratch the LCD. The out of warranty LCD is sometimes as expensive as a new laptop.
• ...bring the laptop outside in the sun. To begin with, the hotter electronics get, the slower they become, the faster they overheat the faster they... wait for it... melt. Yes they melt. I know it's cool to say to your friends that you are working from the park while your kids play, but get real. Same goes for leaving it in car in the sun.
• ...keep it on while carrying it around; don't even put it in hibernation. If you just drop it while it's on you will kill your hard-drive and since most of you clowns can't do your backups, you will lose all your precious files, for good. Just turn it off and save me the crying game I have to go through at least twice a month because you lost two years of work one day before the deadline, or lost your master's thesis — need those files right away it's an emergency. Some of my clients have lost their jobs because of these events. At the very least do your backups. It's a simple rule, it's not if the hard drive will fail, it's more about when it will fail.
• ...undock the laptop without doing the undocking procedure. It's just a few clicks. How urgent is that meeting that you can't do a few clicks?
• ...poke the LCD screen. It will not recognise your finger as a pointing device. Plug and Play just hasn't evolved to this point yet. What will happen though is it will damage the LCD and the display will end up looking like a rainbow acid trip.
• ...stack stuff on top of a closed laptop. It's not made to support books and paper work. Just touch the back of the LCD screen and press on it and see how easily it bends. If the back of the monitor doesn't get damaged, you'll get a keyboard imprint into the screen. IT'S PLASTIC not IRON.
• ...stuff it in a school bag or purse; your employer can provide you with a nice carrying bag with padding made especially for that very model of laptop. They sometimes even come with wheels and support so you can wheel it around if the bag is too heavy.
• ...jackhammer the keyboard. See how thin and delicate it is? Hey you wanted the thin client, now deal with it. Think of a laptop as a high-maintenance girlfriend. There's no need to pound the living shit out of the keys. It'll just break it and whether no one has told you or not, it annoys the hell out of your cubicle buddies.
• ...whack in the CD/DVD drawer like it's your sock drawer. These babies are so small and delicate, the breeze could break them.
• ...for god's sake, bring it to a beach. If you're on the beach ogle the honeys and forget the laptop at the hotel. Like trekkies at a convention, get a life. Enjoy the view of beautiful women in spank-worthy bikinis. That way the techies won't have to vacuum 3 tea-spoons of sand out of your dead laptop (true story) and you'll still have a working laptop.
• ...leave your laptop un-padlocked on the desk. It's a sure way to bring out the kleptos. From one walk from the elevator to my office, I once grabbed seven laptops. Everyone came back from lunch. Panic was soon established. They came running to my office looking for new laptops. I told them to pick the one with their name on it from the pile.

These are just a few things you can do to keep your laptop working and your data safe. I can't emphasize it enough though, BACK THAT DATA UP. It could save your career. And also, keep in mind that Big Brother truly is watching. If you are networked I can read everything on your laptop and at any time I can read your e-mail. So keep the porn on the home computer, especially the one with your girlfriend or wife. You could ruin HER life and career by doing this. Only a few techies are ethical.

Laptops aren't like condiments; they aren't free. Just keep in mind TCO. That stands for Total Cost of Ownership. Where I work, a single call to the helpdesk ends up costing hundreds of dollars — sometimes over a thousand dollars — to the company you work for. IT is the least profitable division of any company because it costs a lot of money. The more money gets poured into IT, the less is left for your bonus, pay raise and the little goodies that are afforded to you free of charge.

  ¶ 1:23:00 AM